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There are three types of games that I review:

Good games are games that I just have to keep playing and don't want to stop even to write the review. It takes me forever to get around to writing the review because I'm having so much fun playing the game. I usually keep playing the game after that, too.

Mediocre games are ones that I play for as long as I need to and then I write my review. I never play them again. They're quickly deleted from where ever I had them installed or traded in (if a console game).

Bad games, though ... bad games make me go running for my word-processing software. I feel, I hope that maybe, just maybe, I can stop someone from wasting their money on this game, and more importantly, their time. And maybe if I stop that injustice, it'll make somebody's day that much happier.

Unfortunately for my happiness — but fortunately for yours — the mobile version of Call of Duty 3 is one of those "bad" games.

I am obviously a fan of the Call of Duty games — if you've read my previous reviews, and if you're wondering where my Call of Duty 4 review is, it's because it's in the good game category — and so I was eager to give this a shot. I knew it couldn't be as awesome as the 360 version, but I hoped that it might just give me something to do while at work.

Other than, you know, actual work.

What it did do was make me want to throw the Blackberry through my cube wall, though I'm guessing the DBA on the other side would frown on that.

First off: It's slow. It's not just slow; it's s ... l ... o ... w ... . It's so slow you have to spell it that way. It made me reminisce about the relative speediness of my old VIC-20's cassette tape drive. It made me say, hey, maybe I shouldn't drive to work, maybe I should walk the 5.3 miles instead. Better yet, maybe I should saunter the 5.3 miles!

Because chicks dig guys that saunter ... maybe.

But finally, the game loads. The menu slowly changes to pick the language I want — English please — and to say, no, no sound for me, lest the guy or woman in the next cube wonder what I'm doing (not to mention, given the usual place I play Blackberry games, bathroom etiquette). And yes, I want to play the main game, not look at the extras.

The game is pretty much completely linear: 3 American missions, then a Canadian, a British, another American, a Polish and another American mission. You can replay previous missions for time if you want. You may have to — it can be very slow or unresponsive completely trying to select a new mission. And then you get to wait for the mission to load, which will take EVEN LONGER.

From there, you use the numeric pad to move around. The 5 button lets you duck or stand back up, while clicking the wheel fires your weapon. Depending on the weapon, holding down the wheel has different functions, such as aiming an M1 or spraying a Thompson submachine gun.

When you’re with a squad of guys, there’ll be a lot of blasting back and forth at the Nazis, and who knows if you’re the one who actually hit them or not. Whatever. They’re not always the smartest, either. Sometimes they’ll run ahead of you and wipe out whoever shows up; other times they get stuck and don’t want to move.

There’s the occasional “challenge” thrown in. For the most part, the game is pretty easy — you run around, blasting away, and if your health gets low, back up until it recharges. Sometimes, though, it seems like the designers thought “hey, we should add something new here,” and you find yourself running the same part over and over until you figure out the trick. That’s what kills me.

Well, that, and getting stuck. The graphics are crude, as can be expected in a mobile game, but it can be really hard to tell how far you need to go to get around an obstacle, and the first time you see a certain obstacle, you might not know if you can run over it or not. Couple that with the fact that you can jump over some obstacles but not others, and you find yourself stuck a whole lot.

And let’s not get into hidden pathways through water. If your buddies aren’t stuck, they’ll show you the way — otherwise, you’re left wondering where to go.

So is the game worth it? Eargh. No. If you want an amazingly bad run-and-gun shooter game on your mobile device, well, maybe then. But honestly, stick with Call of Duty on the big screen. It’s great there. On here, it’s just little cartoon games and no sense of anything other than “I hope I actually hit that guy.”