I do not know anything about monster cars. Nor do I care to know much information about them. This is one of those things that dear old dad can be blamed for because he never expressed any interest in it. And neither did I as a child. Somehow, I feel validated in my disdain because Wikipedia doesn’t have a single entry on “monster cars.” (There is an entry on “monster trucks.”) So perhaps I’m not really the proper person to judge how accurate anything is because I don’t know a single thing about the topic (other than what I have seen on TV commercials). Or maybe I am because I will not be completely overjoyed at the mere thought of it. Well folks, welcome to the world of Monster Jam: Urban Assault for the PlayStation 2. And I want to run it over it, including burning it straight to the ground.

Let’s be frank: Monster Jam does not have a plot. It is about “working up” the ranks from a supposed nobody to monster car superstar by running things over and performing tricks. That is it. No deep plot, no reason for racing or competing other than because you can. It works in other racing games, and it sort of works here. Anyway, there are four different play modes: World Series, Speedster, Stunt Man, and Smasher.

World Series has you moving up the ranks through 22 different stages. For the first two stages, you perform tricks and run things over. The third stage is always a stadium race (and is over rather quickly). It is not that difficult provided that every trick is done at least once and objects are destroyed. Speedster is the game’s attempt to be a racing game. Challenges vary from traditional racing to elimination mode. Neither are is very fun (more on that in a minute). Speed boosts, a mandatory usage, are available by performing tricks. More tricks (and “carnage”) equals more boost and thus allows you to win. If you do not boost, consider the race lost. Stunt Man is just like it sounds. It has you driving through different tracks and crashing into a football stadium smashing boxes. Or it’ll have you sending your monster car into a giant skee-ball board. The worse part is that it repeats the same challenge a few times over; it also can be completed in a short afternoon. And then last and least is the Smasher mode, which takes the destruction element of the game’s engine and has you running over everything and anything to rack up as much damage cost as possible. What’s odd about this aspect is the inconsistent pricing of the items. Trees are in the $1,000 range while boxes are no more than $50. And car damage is about $30.

Sounds decent so far, in decent areas, correct? In some ways it is. But there is one big — scratch that — TWO big problems. First of all, there is are the crummy controls. The left analog stick is the “steering wheel,” and the d-pad is not recognized (I am used to the d-pad). No matter how far I tilt the analog stick, it doesn’t steer well enough and it doesn’t feel right. The ramp that I know is around the corner? Can’t make it unless Lady Luck is on my side. (If only I had the gentleman version of that dress sphere.) Furthermore, the only way to make tight turns is to use the airbrake. But there’s a catch: Iit doesn’t give you the fine control necessary to shoot the car towards your goal. This leads us into the second problem: the camera. While it remains behind you most of the time, but if you ram into something the camera stays where it is for a second — then it zooms in behind you. Worse yet, I have a heck of a time telling the front from the back (yes, I am lucky that I know how to drive). And, as previously mentioned, you need both of those things to be pitch perfect in order for everything to work. Perhaps this wouldn’t be as big of an issue if I had a track map — a device dating as far back as F-Zero and the original Mario Kart. So why would the developers exclude it?

Anyway, the graphics of the game looks rather decent. The trucks look large and powerful, though the environment doesn’t seem to be to scale. Somehow, I imagined the light posts towering a tad more over them and the buildings to be even higher. Granted, some creative rights are allowed. Anyway, the wheels spin, but it doesn’t seem to be moving fast enough. Various objects once ran over become shrapnel but quickly disappear into nothingness. So there are clues to show that something once stood there. However, you’ll definitely notice the UIT, Ford and Auto Zone advertisements and buildings (the last two most of all) littered through out the various environments. The downsidefall of the environments is that they tend to look the same and blur together and feel uninspired. Worse yet, there are times when the game has a bunch of destructibles bunched together and blocks the view of the road.

Furthermore, the game is hidden in layers upon layers of menus. Thus, presentation is a bit on the uninspired side. While it is serviceable, it quickly becomes annoying, as the game has to scroll through the entire list of events until it reaches the next one. For example, in the World Series option, let’s just say you have completed the 16th stage. You now have to sit there and watch as the game forces the screen to scrawl from stage 1 to stage 17. It feels like the player is being punished with an unofficial loading screen for doing well.

This leads us into the sound design. Well, what could be considered as sound because very little can be heard over the “roar” of the RC-esque engines. Furthermore, the few songs in the game are all metal- based (isn’t this rather stereotypical of a monster car fan?). As previously written, you really barely hear anything over it. And then there is the over-used though perfectly voiced announcer. He does a pretty good job making it sound interesting. Though, as previously written, he never shuts up. I can tell what is going on because I caused it.

In conclusion, this is not a very good game technically and creatively. To describe it in a single word, that word would be “obnoxious.” From the developer screens that is are shown before the game starts to the title screen to the game’s horrid controls, it never stops moving. It never stops being “in your face” about everything. And it never stays quiet for long (if at all). There were moments that I thought I was having fun, but something always got in the way — such as the camera. And then I groaned, which disturbed my dogs greatly.

Thus, in good conscious I cannot recommend this game to anyone. If the controls were decent, then I could at least recommend it to whom those it was made for: the monster truck fan. But, as repeated numerous times throughout this article, the controls aren’t decent. Every car moves the same. Everything feels the same. Then the game taunts you with movies from actual monster truck events showing off all the tricks. In other words, this is a budget game with the unfriendly price tag of $30. Skip this game and use the money on something else, like food or music. Or a copy of Aquaria or World of Goo. But whatever it is, make certain it is something you’ll truly enjoy and get lost in. No matter the length bought.