I have ideas. Some of them come to fruition, some don't. It's like that with most people, I'm sure. But, I do have goals with this site. Someday, they'll become obvious, I hope. I'm working on a completing a long overdue communications degree. But I have obstacles. Yesterday, I found out that I had until midnight last night to produce an essay indicating why I had need, qualifications and would make a difference if someone gave me money.

I considered posting this on my personal blog, but it's relevant to the gaming industry as well. Because, I'm working on this degree not just for personal enrichment, but for this site and for this industry.

Tell me what you think. I'll get back to games, etc soon. Essay after the jump.

October of this year marks the six year anniversary of the beginning of my disability. I didn’t know it at the time; I thought I got the flu. Three months later my first 30-day migraine appeared; I thought it would pass, it was only the first. Then, for the first time in my life, I forgot something. You see, before that time I never forgot anything. Ever.

I simply never forgot! Sure, I’d not recall something until reminded but it always came back. But, to lose a card in my card file? It simply never occurred. I lost my car while at a parade with my children. I’d forget names of people I knew for months, years. Multi-tasking became unbearable. Sound overwhelmed me and I used to manage a music store! Then, when returning from a conference, I lost my car again. Only this time, it was at the Los Angeles airport. Something was wrong. Very very wrong.

But, as luck would have it I was referred to a rather “unique” physician – and he knew within an hour what had been baffling all others for a year. I have Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome. (The Wikipedia has the most recent, complete and accurate description anywhere. The Fukuda symptoms are used for diagnosis. You need 6 of the 8 for a diagnosis; I have all 8. ) My doctor was the second doctor in the United States to have reported it to the Centers for Disease Control in 1984.

Life is Strange.

It’s a cruel illness. For those of a strong will such as myself, it robs you of the one thing you can depend upon – the ability to get through anything by sheer force of will. This behavior guarantees I will fall ill. Extended activity of any kind and I will fall ill. Playing with my children ensures I will fall ill. Do nothing, and I may fall ill.

It took nearly four years to come to a truce with my illness and enjoy the life I lead now. It’s a life that is counter-intuitive to my very nature. Over time, I’ve let go of my business, my goals, my marriage; I’ve adjusted to a “smaller” life. I live on Federal Disability payments in a one-bedroom home with my two boys, ages 7 and 10. It’s not easy, but we manage and we’re happy.

Yet, I am who I am and I need to be active and I need to make a difference in something, anything.

Many years ago I began working as a volunteer on a website for an online video game. Over time I came to run the website and later the network that supported it. Since that time, I’ve started my own site with different goals in mind. I’m proud of the work I do. In a small, egotistical way, I like to believe we make a difference.

Video games are an interesting paradox in today’s society. For some, they are a part of life as much as television or books. For others they are as confusing and frightening as “going online”.

Not only did I grow up with them, but I’ve raised my children with them. They’re a learning tool, entertainment, social teacher and, at times, a negative influence. But, they’re something I can control. My children teach other children what games are appropriate and what are not. They learn history, math, ecology…the list goes on.

In the world I live in, those I know do not see the threat of games. We understand them. They are as much a part of our lives as the twelve book shelves that line the walls of my bedroom. But, the mass media is wholly lacking in experts (even amateurs) in the field. Even my own “peers” in the industry press do not analyze or offer insight into the games they view. Too often they simply report on what they see or parrot the information given by the public relations companies.

I grow increasingly frustrated by this.

I grow increasingly frustrated by my inability to provide a bedroom for my sons.

I am disheartened by the endless cycle that disability keeps me in. Although I receive cost of living increases, it will not be enough to ever do more than live.

I want to make a difference for my children; for the life they live at home but also in the world in which they live.

I’m good at analysis. I’ve worked with designers and producers. I’ve worked in marketing and public relations. I’ve studied anthropology, sociology, psychology, comparative religions, evolutionary biology…and I have kids!

Games are not just entertainment. We learn through play. I’ve never seen a nature program that doesn’t state “the bear cub is honing its hunting skills through play with its siblings”. Video games are no different.

My oldest son learns strategy, tactics – he’s learned to think before he acts. My younger son learns to interact with strangers, politely. He learns social skills. They both learn to type, to play co-operatively, to play competitively but without anger. They have better hand/eye coordination, they understand design principals (I am their mother!) and they never go near something that’s inappropriate. They have no desire.

The day my son came to me and asked, “Mommy, why did the Crusades continue against the Saracens when they had such a great society?”, I knew he’d been playing Age of Empires.

But video games are forever under attack. There is more misunderstanding regarding games now than at the introduction of any other form of media in history. Neither television nor radio has brought the outrage that games have. But neither was as interactive or as immediate.

The growth of gaming in parallel with the growth of the internet has spawned a cadre of “experts” which are anything but. At countless conferences, we in the games media speak about the lack of standards, training or even aspiration to mediocrity. There are no known analysts; perhaps two journalists and both report on the business, not on the games.

When Washington presents bills to curb not the sale of games but the development because the populace is afraid it is because their constituents are ignorant. There is no one speaking to them about what games are or what they can be. The only people speaking – and speaking loudly – are those who instill fear.

My goal is to earn a communications degree that, along with my experience, will allow me to gain journalistic credentials from a mass media outlet. I want to educate the masses about the nature of a medium that is not going away; I want to educate my peers as to the proper way to report; I want to be the calm voice of reason in a room full of thundering fear.

But, I’m restricted by the limitations of my disability payments. I earn enough to live, comfortably. I earn too much to qualify for a Pell Grant. I earn too little to qualify for a loan. Too little to save up and if I could, my children deserve their own room first.

As a journalist, I can work within the restrictions imposed by my illness. I can remove myself from my dependence on disability. And, I can make a difference.